TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
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Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
*a man runs into the bar*
“HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?”
*my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*
I found a ten dollar bill on the ground once and thought, “This is as good as it’s ever going to get. Buy some relish.”
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*