@BetteMidler

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

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@Xoolun

Went to the gym and asked the trainer.

Could you help me do splits?

Trainer: Sure How flexible are you?

Me: I can only do Thursday.

@Cynner777

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

@sofarrsogud

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

@PurrrrrfectCat

If ignorance truly is bliss, my coworkers must be in a constant state of euphoria.

@Shen_the_Bird

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

@robin_991

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

@LaziestCanine

Doctor: this might hurt a little bit
Me: okay
Doctor: i like you, but only as a friend

@jdforshort

College guy: How do you like it?

Me: Salty…of course

*slaps down $20

CG: We’ll take two pretzels with salt

~Get outta the gutter pervs

@liv_thatsme

I call my nephew “dude” and “kid” because I’m a cool aunt. Also because I can’t remember what his name is.