Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
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The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
*pronounces surface like Versace*
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
we’re dead?
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.