Went to the gym and asked the trainer.
Could you help me do splits?
Trainer: Sure How flexible are you?
Me: I can only do Thursday.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
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Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
If ignorance truly is bliss, my coworkers must be in a constant state of euphoria.
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Doctor: this might hurt a little bit
Doctor: i like you, but only as a friend
College guy: How do you like it?
Me: Salty…of course
*slaps down $20
CG: We’ll take two pretzels with salt
~Get outta the gutter pervs
I call my nephew “dude” and “kid” because I’m a cool aunt. Also because I can’t remember what his name is.