Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
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“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.