Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

ㅤ

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*

I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.