Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
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Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it