Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

Are you ok, human???

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it