Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
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*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Storm Tropical Storm
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WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
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genie: please no
millipede: more legs
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.