Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
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employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I need this for my side hustle.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
