Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
You Might Also Like
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
just gave your address to some spiders
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.