Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
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The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Sounds like a real hoot.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]