Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
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Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
