Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
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“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.