Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

I’m the neighbor

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

oh you like nyc? name every rat

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

Snack for election night!

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

spot the difference

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.