Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

Twitter is like:

funny joke

funny joke

funny joke

HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE

funny joke

funny joke

angry guy who didn’t get the joke

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL

“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”