Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?

me:

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

“You drive, I’m tired.”

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?