@mydmac

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

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@AshleyFrankly

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

@Brianhopecomedy

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

@girlnarly

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

@jbillinson

Obama: Tell Joe why he can’t booby trap the White H-
Biden: Now hold on a second, just know that no matter what you say I’m doing it anyways

@Ideal_Victoria

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

@Book_Krazy

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

@QwertyJones3

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

@OctopusCavemann

Kid: I had a nightmare. There were these flowers but then they turned into clowns and they swung around this elephant and then demon faces came out and the whole time there was this awful music playing.

Cirque Du Soleil Producer: *taking notes* go on.

@david8hughes

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”