Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
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doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
inside you are two wolves
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
How I’d get arrested…
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better