Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
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Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
some things should go without saying
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*