Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
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i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Damn what did I do next
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious