Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
You Might Also Like
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
british sex workers really pound for pound
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.