@Izianikapani: Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we'd even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
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@CornOnTheGoblin: [Bad magician coroner] is this your husband's body [widow] no [Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband's body
@iGreenMonk: Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
@ClaytonSykes: If you're gonna offer free milk for coffee at a convenience store, don't get all weird when I bring in a dry bowl of cereal.
@brianbowman73: I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn't very strong.