Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
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little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!