Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
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I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
This is I, Robot all over again
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”