Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
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Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
life finds a way
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
me
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
My kitchen overserved me.