Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
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HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Old old old old old west
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.