Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
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I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm