Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells