Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

What fresh Hell is this?!?

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

No Google it does not

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

Printer ink is expensive

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”

“Mom I’m right here.”

“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”

“MooOoom”

“5, 4”

“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”

“3, 2, 1”

*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*

“I’M 36 MOM!!”

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*