Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
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Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Whoops
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I bet
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.