@MichaelTrying

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

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@ArfMeasures

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

@PJTLynch

My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr

@Dutch_50

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

@WheelTod

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

@noxxhell

If you cut off my head I’ll continue eating for two more days.

@mellimelle

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

@NYC_Blonde

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

@Scigglez

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

@hazelmotes1

Hot Pringles in your area want you to jam your whole fist in their cans.

@ohthatbadger

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.