Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
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Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”