Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

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I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.


[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now


My mouth was numbed and I licked all over my orthodontist’s finger thinking it was my gums so now I can never go back and will have braces forever


Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.


Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.


After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is


wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino


*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.


Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.


S is my favorite letter because it changes biscuit to biscuits.