Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
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Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.