Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
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Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Thank heavens for community notes
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung