Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
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ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Every time.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.