Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
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Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
was Jim off killing horses or…
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.