Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
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in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Muppet Screams
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
There are usually two types of merchants.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.