Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
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If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
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coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”