Yet the one time I did, I got banned
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Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Have kids, they said
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
