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“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Bless you
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.