yikes
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Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
old twitter is back baby
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Love is always patient and kind.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.