yikes
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So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
yeet
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep