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I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.