@chrissyteigen: yikes. don't google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
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@McGrumpenstein: brain: BACON! mouth: BACON! stomach: BACON! arteries: are... are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
@sass_n_ass: Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette
@LeBearGirdle: Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime- Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?! boss: oh God Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!