I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
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friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.