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When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk