Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
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[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.