Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

🐟✨ #re4

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

[taking girlfriend out]

her dad: have her back at a reasonable time

me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time

her dad: propose

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

me: babe watch me flip this omelette!

her: cool

me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!

her: sick!!!

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.