Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders