Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

who will stop them

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.