Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?

ME: I can anagram anything

WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!

boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course

me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

decorating my apartment

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.