Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
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Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
😜
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me