Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.

“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH