Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

*feels the wind in my toe hair

you mean to tell me that wasn’t a drinking fountain you installed in your bathroom toilet?

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

cat faces on other animals, a thread

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.