Yo How the f##k you spell Matthew Micconohay
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wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*