Yo How the f##k you spell Matthew Micconohay
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When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
this will hang in the louvre one day
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium