Yo. I spit out my drink đ
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All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Sorry, I canât be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things sheâs told me I forgotâŚ
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Donât ask me how I know
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no Iâve read your tweets
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Ok, milk⌠Check!
Potato salad⌠Check!
Tomatoes⌠Check!âSir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?â
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new âsplitâ design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ainât no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Just ruined my dadâs night by texting pics of a bird he canât positively ID
Cop: Maybe itâs your driving. Maybe youâre drunk.
Me: Maybe itâs Maybelline.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, Iâd like to make a reservationâŚ
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now thereâs poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
â mass unfollowing
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I donât want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I just saw Angelina Jolieâs ex walking one of Santaâs reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha Iâm so lonely
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
âQuality over quantityâ hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. Iâm really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdomâŚperhaps âopen the door before trying to walk through it?â
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when youâre in a rush to get by.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatinâ and donât get how they be floatinâ
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy