Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.