Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
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Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.