Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
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Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Bros before Ohioes
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
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Every
Single
Year
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head