yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
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You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
what?
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
me: hey your birthday is one day away
6yo: we just call that tomorrow
me:
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I didn’t know they can drive…
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.