yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
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I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school