yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
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“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far