Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
You Might Also Like
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
you know what ruined my childhood? children
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
murder on the timeline
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW