Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
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Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
A small tragedy.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.