Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

Kids, do not try this at home!

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?