Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
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Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
repaired
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.