Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it