Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?

Her: Sure, I’d love to

Me: Wtf is wrong with you

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”