Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL

Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.

Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.

The fear of not making it home.

#RubbishJokes

#WednesdayThought

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-

Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS