YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
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Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”