yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees
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[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
How funny!
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.