yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees
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Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.