Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
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Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I want this so bad
