Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

based al yankovic

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken

put ‘er there pardner!

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

Dear Lord..

The absolute effort that went into this omg

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up