Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
You Might Also Like
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
the three branches of government
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make